In Which I Predict the Future

The Billy Ocean campaign was aborted before it began- I realised I have a lot of Pink Floyd albums I still have to get through as a result of losing a bet with Dave Gilmour.

On Wednesday I have an appointment with the gastroenterologist to discuss the results of putting what felt like a JCB down my digestive tract. The conversation may well go something like this:

Me: Hullo, have I got Coeliac's Disease, then?

Gastroenterologist: We don't know, the results are still pending.

Me: So what the fuck am I doing here at the hospital?

Gastroenterologist: Well, I thought you were good company, so-

Me: Hang on a second, hold the fucking phone here, chum. I had my endoscopy on the seventeenth of September.

Gastroenterologist: Right.

Me: And I was promised my results within 14 days.

Gastroenterologist: Mm. 

Me: And it's been 51 days and still nothing.

Gastroenterologist: Yup.

Me: And for me to be referred to a dietitian so I can get gluten free prescription stuff, I need you to look at my results.

Gastroenterologist: Ahuh.

Me: Which you don't have.

Gastroenterologist: That's right.

Me: Any idea WHEN you'll have them?

Gastroenterologist: Impossible to say.

Me: Well, it didn't seem so impossible to say 51 days ago.  

Gastroenterologist: Ah, but that was the standard it'll take a couple of weeks answer. Once it takes longer than 14 days, your guess is as good as mine.

Me: I'm not entirely heartened by a doctor telling me that his guess is as good as mine. You didn't go to medical school for years to become as good/bad as me at guessing, did you?

Gastroenterologist: ...

Me: Is there any particular reason why you haven't got my results? Is there any particular reason why you haven't cancelled this appointment which is pointless for the both of us seeing as its sole purpose is for us to discuss the test results, results which you don't have?

Gastroenterologist: Because we hate you and we think you're a prick?

I went down to the surgery the other day and asked them if they had the results in- sometimes the results go to the GP and they don't tell you because it amuses them. However, they said that the results were pending, and as for when I'd get them, "your guess is as good as mine." But I remain hopeful that my results might rear their ugly head within the next three days. The clock is ticking.

Today's Tune

In Which I Make My Excuses

I have very little to say except I won't be blogging much over the next week. I have also decided I need to listen to the entire back catalogue of Billy Ocean- the two might not be entirely unconnected. Mm, so I heard a song by him, and I thought, d'you know, I love every Billy Ocean song I've ever heard and it would make sense if I listened to every studio album that he's ever done. In fact, if I could be great at singing one artist at karaoke, it'd be him as his music is just so damn happy. But I can't. Annoyingly, R can do it beautifully, and even more annoyingly, he refuses to. And now he's in Canada. What an arse.

Today's Tune