*EDIT This article seemed to make me keep writing, so it's a long one. You might want to make camp and check you have suitable provisions*
So. Back in the days when everything was black and white and the Nazis and their allies had taken over Belgium and the Netherlands and Luxembourg and Poland and France and Austria and Denmark and Norway and Greece and Morocco and Algeria and Tunisia and Sicily and Crete and the Balkans and Hungary and a massive chunk of the U.S.S.R (I know I've missed somewhere out), trouble was a-brewing. I have to say whilst Nazism was, no, IS, abhorrent, they were bloody good at war- until they invaded the U.S.S.R, of course. As Eddie Izzard so rightly pointed out, when playing the board game Risk, you get reinforced by seven soldiers when you manage to hold Asia, but it's bloody impossible. I have played a fair bit of Risk in my time, and I have managed to hold Asia for ONE turn in a Risk game only once. I say only (big breath now)- it was like winning five games of Risk simultaneously whilst making love to Paloma Faith's face whilst blowing up the mothership by uploading a virus to its mainframe whilst riding a Harley Davidson and drop kicking Hugh Dallas- very tricky to do, but extremely gratifying. I suppose in my way I'm a better military leader than Hitler. But I have completely and utterly distracted you and I from the point. Trouble WAS a-brewing.
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| Originally a French game called Hisser le Drapeau Blanc (chortle) |
Hitler was getting an awful lot of raw materials and manual labour from these occupied territories, but the country that the Allies were arguably most concerned with was Norway. You see, in the early 20th century, the Norwegians had built a hydroelectric powerplant whose main purpose was to power a neighbouring factory converting nitrogen into fertiliser. However, the factory also gained the ability in the mid 30's to create deuterium oxide, also known as heavy water. Now bear with me, because a nuclear physicist I am not, but heavy water is an ingredient necessary for a hydrogen bomb. Ingredients necessary for a hydrogen bomb? Hitler researching into the A-4 rocket (later designated the V-2), and making headway into an intercontinental ballistic missile programme? You can see why the Allies were a bit worried that London could get quite a bit melty if the Nazis got enough heavy water. And as I remember, this Norwegian plant was the only place they had a chance of getting it from.
They parachuted over some specially trained Norwegian commandos familiar with that area of the country to scout out the target, and when they were in place sent over some British sappers in gliders towed by bombers. This was an utter balls up because of bad weather and there were crashes and crash landings- the sappers who survived were tortured and killed due to Hitler developing cataracts whenever reading the Geneva Convention. The main effect of this enterprise was that the Germans worked out the British were targeting the hydro plant and stepped up security. Still, the Allies had to press on and parachuted in more Norwegian commandos who linked up with the first lot, and they duly went on with the mission. To get to the place, they descended one side of a ravine and climbed up the other side that was considered impassable. Now I seem to remember that the second lot of commandos were just before on the piss in London and swapped something of theirs for a bolt cutter which helped them in the actual raid on the target. They popped over to the bit that made the heavy water where they encountered a Norwegian caretaker eager to help. This next bit I love- they were about to detonate the explosives but the caretaker realised that he'd misplaced his glasses and as new glasses were like hen's teeth during the war, the commandos felt honour bound to help him look for them. Imagine, you're pissing yourself because you're in a heavily fortified installation and could be discovered at any time and you have to help some old dodderer find his spectacles. Well, they found them, set the timers and retired to a safe distance, and the heavy water and heavy water facilities were destroyed. Nevertheless, in a documentary one of the Norwegians said "Then the explosion happened- it was like two or three cars crashing- quite disappointing, really." The handful of commandos escaped, despite thousands of Germans being specifically assigned to find them.
Here's something I read today that I don't think I'll be able to shoehorn in anywhere else. The first bloke to swim the English Channel was called Captain Matthew Webb- I'm sure you already knew that, dear reader, but crack on and you'll probably learn something nice. The French, who have a quaint habit of mispronouncing and spelling the English Channel as Le Vagin de la Mer, said it was impossible. Une folie anglaise, they said. Now we all know that Webb showed the defeatist Frenchies what was what, but he was really taking the piss out of them. This is a man who said "Actually, other swimming strokes aren't as gentlemanly, so let's do this with the most impractical swimming one- the breaststroke." This is the equivalent of a sailing ship having tracing paper for sails. But he managed it in style, and when I say style, I mean style. He actually stopped in the water for a pint and later on a snifter of brandy. Brilliant. Utterly brilliant. The equivalent of smoking a blunt before running a marathon. Let's really show the French by making things stupidly difficult. It wouldn't surprise me to learn that he did it in a tweed suit. But do it he most certainly did. When asked by the journalists in France how he felt, he said, and I am quoting DIRECTLY, "...a peculiar sensation in my limbs, somewhat similar to that which is often felt after the first day of the cricket season." Amazing.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to get across with this article because it was ages ago when I started the bugger. I suspect it was something along the lines there being so many important things that have shaped the world today massively that we have no idea about. Perhaps it was that I enjoy understatement. Maybe both. Hmm. To be honest, I really do enjoy understatement. And that's an understatement...
Today's Tune (Because it's an understated version of the final product)
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