In Which I'm Only Paraphrasing Slightly (Part Two)

Well now. When last I wrote the entire male populace of the two cities of Sodom and Gomorrah had spontaneously shown up outside Lot's door.  They made their reason for their appearance clear as they politely asked him if he could turf the angels out so they could bugger them most gregariously. Lot, being respectful of the angels and having apparently not been to any parenting classes offered his virgin daughters to the baying mob instead... Their feelings on the matter were sadly not recorded for posterity. Anyway, it seems as if the mob reasoned that an angel's arsehole was tighter than a virgin's snatch (warning, may not be exact quote), and told Lot that they were going to visit an even worse megabuggery upon him for trying to protect the angels. The sex mad fiends tried to force the door like in a zombie film, but unlike a zombie film they were struck down with blindness from the angels "so that they could not find the door", because apparently using their hands to find it was cheating or something. More plot holes. Anyway, during this respite, the angels told Lot and his wife and daughters (who are so important that their names are recorded as Lot's wife and his two daughters) the bad news. "Okay, basically God's going to destroy this place because he doesn't like the rainbow movement. Now you'll be strolling away at a good pace when this is happening, and it's going to be spectacular. I mean, imagine Independence Day crossed with a Michael Bay film covered with napalm times A MILLION. It is going to be INCREDIBLE. But don't look at it. I mean, it will be the most wonderful spectacle that man will ever see, but you mustn't turn around. Even though it's going to look amazing."

I stressed previously that the most important thing is God knows what's going to happen here, which is why we should examine the fallout particularly closely. So Lot and his nameless female relatives got a jog on, and the orbital bombardment from God began, which indeed sounded like Independence Day crossed with a Michael Bay film covered with napalm times a million. "Oh my God, I'm melting!!!" screamed a Sodomite. "This is fucking awful!!! But you have to admit, it looks REALLY cool..." Well that was too much for Lot's wife. She turned around despite God's agents warning her not to and so he turned her into a pillar of salt, because, shit, why not? Whenever I see someone push into a queue or buy a Skrillex album the first form of retribution that comes into my head is turning them into a pillar of salt. No foolsies, it really is. So Lot presumably noticed his wife was making fewer bon mots than usual but plodded on regardless. The last thing Lot heard of God's voice on the wind was-: "Die you scum! And I'm going to destroy your crops as well so that anyone else who wants to settle here can't use your farming infrastructure and catch AIDS! LOL"

Again, bear in mind that these people have been especially picked out by God as people who deserve mercy for their good character. One of them is already dead, as if God had said "Imma save your life... PSYCHE!" Let's forward to a point where Lot and his daughters are holed up in a cave. The older one points out to the younger one that the only men on the market are a bit melty now, and we should have kids because that's what everyone does. "So... We could always get our dad drunk on wine and fuck him so he gets us pregnant?..." "...I'm sorry, what?" "Get him drunk so he won't recognise us and we'll fuck him." "What, we'll get him so drunk that he doesn't recognise his own daughters? So drunk that he will assume that we are someone else, despite him knowing there aren't any people for hundreds of miles? Do you think we could him that drunk and that he'd still be capable of maintaining an erection?" Yeah." "Where did we get all of this wine from, anyway?"  "What?" "Well doesn't it seem a bit suspicious? I mean, God told us to get the fuck out of Dodge and we grabbed our most precious possessions... Our most precious possession was wine? And I doubt that we could carry enough of that to get our father pissed with." "Perhaps we have entered a wine cave?" "A wine cave? Behave!" Needless to say, the bible does NOT record where the daughters got this copious amount of wine from. It does however record that they fucked him and he did not know who they were (bullshit) and that they both had kids. I assume that he found out somewhere down the line who the father was, but again, the bible does not record it. So ends the tale of Sodom and Gomorrah. So God saved Lot's wife only to end her five minutes later and then Lot and his daughters entered into some sick incestuous relationship with his two daughters. I think it was worth saving them from that bit of mass-murder, though. If God has taught us anything it's that we should turn a blind eye to incest whilst we should punish homosexuality by genocide.

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In Which I'm Only Paraphrasing Slightly (Part One)

Back in the biblical day, there were these two twin cities called Sodom and Gomorrah, but they don't appear on modern maps for reasons that'll become apparent. Now in Sodom and Gomorrah they were quite a progressive people and whilst I'm not sure if they had any mechanism for gay adoption in place, they were quite fine with the gay relationship side of things. But, as we know God's a bit of a right-wing nutjob and really hates it when people of the same genders form meaningful and loving relationships with each other. God said to whoever was listening "Let's send out a reconnaissance party to see if I shouldn't wipe these places off the face of the Earth." A chap called Abraham happened to hear that outburst and said "Erm, mate, are you sure you want to go all Rambo on these cities? It seems a bit harsh... What if there are some nice straight people living there?" "Well, tell you what," replied God, "if there are fifty people who don't mince about with pink handbags and tiny dogs and an unhealthy obsession with musicals, then I'll spare everyone." "Erm, aren't those horrifically out of date stereotypes, God?" "Horrifically out of date? These are biblical times, Abraham, a fucking stick is high tech!"
"But if there were fifty people who-" "Yeah, I'd save them, I'd save them." Abraham thought for a second. "What if there were 45 people who were alright in your book?"

***THIS CONTINUED FOR SOME TIME, UNTIL THEY EVENTUALLY DECIDED THAT IF GOD, WHO AS YOU'LL REMEMBER IS QUITE PICKY, WILL SPARE THE CITIES IF HIS SCOUT ANGELS FIND 10 PEOPLE GOD APPROVES OF***

It should be pointed out now that God, being omnipotent and omniscient has the power to do anything and knows everything. Bear this in mind later on, because it's a bit of a plot hole point in the bible. Anyway, God sends off his advance party of a couple of angels to scout the place, and they happen upon a nice chap called Lot (I suppose his parents won him at an auction) who offered the angels tea and crumpets and asked if they'd like to stay the night. They accepted. Now here's an exact quote from Biblica, an online bible:

Before they (the angels) had gone to bed, all the men from every part of the city of Sodom—both young and old—surrounded the house.  They called to Lot, “Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them.”

Now I have a few gay friends and this would not be typical behaviour (well, maybe for one of them). I think this is Someone trying to rewrite the story to make Themselves look not so bad, because it doesn't sound likely, does it? Oh, look, two angels sent by God. I wonder what they're doing here? Let's find out. How shall we do that? By forming a massive gang and raping them of course! Never mind the fact that there doesn't seem to be much causal link there at all, why would the inhabitants be assaulting God's foot soldiers? If there's anything the people of the Old Testament should be mindful of, it's DON'T PISS GOD OFF. You know, I read that God decided to make women menstruate and suffer terrible childbirth pain because someone ate an apple. What's more is that he doesn't want anyone to use contraception! That guy is seriously sadistic.

Tune in tomorrow, where *SPOILER ALERT* we'll find out if God has a sensible and considered response to the upcoming rape allegations.

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