Back in the biblical day, there were these two twin cities called Sodom and Gomorrah, but they don't appear on modern maps for reasons that'll become apparent. Now in Sodom and Gomorrah they were quite a progressive people and whilst I'm not sure if they had any mechanism for gay adoption in place, they were quite fine with the gay relationship side of things. But, as we know God's a bit of a right-wing nutjob and really hates it when people of the same genders form meaningful and loving relationships with each other. God said to whoever was listening "Let's send out a reconnaissance party to see if I shouldn't wipe these places off the face of the Earth." A chap called Abraham happened to hear that outburst and said "Erm, mate, are you sure you want to go all Rambo on these cities? It seems a bit harsh... What if there are some nice straight people living there?" "Well, tell you what," replied God, "if there are fifty people who don't mince about with pink handbags and tiny dogs and an unhealthy obsession with musicals, then I'll spare everyone." "Erm, aren't those horrifically out of date stereotypes, God?" "Horrifically out of date? These are biblical times, Abraham, a fucking stick is high tech!"
"But if there were fifty people who-" "Yeah, I'd save them, I'd save them." Abraham thought for a second. "What if there were 45 people who were alright in your book?"
***THIS CONTINUED FOR SOME TIME, UNTIL THEY EVENTUALLY DECIDED THAT IF GOD, WHO AS YOU'LL REMEMBER IS QUITE PICKY, WILL SPARE THE CITIES IF HIS SCOUT ANGELS FIND 10 PEOPLE GOD APPROVES OF***
It should be pointed out now that God, being omnipotent and omniscient has the power to do anything and knows everything. Bear this in mind later on, because it's a bit of a plot hole point in the bible. Anyway, God sends off his advance party of a couple of angels to scout the place, and they happen upon a nice chap called Lot (I suppose his parents won him at an auction) who offered the angels tea and crumpets and asked if they'd like to stay the night. They accepted. Now here's an exact quote from Biblica, an online bible:
Before they (the angels) had gone to bed, all the men from every part of the city of Sodom—both young and old—surrounded the house. They called to Lot, “Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them.”
Now I have a few gay friends and this would not be typical behaviour (well, maybe for one of them). I think this is Someone trying to rewrite the story to make Themselves look not so bad, because it doesn't sound likely, does it? Oh, look, two angels sent by God. I wonder what they're doing here? Let's find out. How shall we do that? By forming a massive gang and raping them of course! Never mind the fact that there doesn't seem to be much causal link there at all, why would the inhabitants be assaulting God's foot soldiers? If there's anything the people of the Old Testament should be mindful of, it's DON'T PISS GOD OFF. You know, I read that God decided to make women menstruate and suffer terrible childbirth pain because someone ate an apple. What's more is that he doesn't want anyone to use contraception! That guy is seriously sadistic.
Tune in tomorrow, where *SPOILER ALERT* we'll find out if God has a sensible and considered response to the upcoming rape allegations.
Today's Tune
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