In Which I Am Not the Queen

Sure enough, Tim Key was amazing. I envy him his memory, his improvisational skills and his bath. He looked directly into my eyes at one point, then a few minutes later ran over to the guy one seat forward and to the left and frisked him. What a fucking tease. So.

It's a good thing that I'm not the Queen. For one thing, it would mean I'd have to have a sex change. But that woman... I mean, for a start, she's in cahoots with God, as He decided to pick her to be the leader of the one true faith, the Church of England. I would be a force to be reckoned with if I had God and church bake sale funds on my side... It's not just what she is, though, it's what she can do, and if I were her, I'd do so much. 

*EDIT At this point I started wondering what I would do with her power, and it turns out I have quite an imagination so this might drag on a bit*
  
Where to start? I could get rid of the Civil Service... But I wouldn't want to do that, as I also have the power to bestow honours on everyone, and they would need a LOT of paperwork for that- I would make everyone in the country a peer or peeress. Apart from Hugh Dallas. And I've never really cared for Brighton, so... I suppose I would give a pardon to all the prisoners in the country and send them on a train there and build a bloody big fence around East Sussex and let God sort it out. West Sussex can stay unmolested, because Hove has a few good charity shops where I acquired a few vinyl LP's... And how would I fund this venture, I hear you ask? The Royal Family doesn't have THAT much cash to be able to build such a massive wall and move 90,000 people at short notice. Good point, but I've got it all sorted out. You see, I OWN all the prisons, and if we work under the assumption that all the new criminals will be sent over the wall into the Mad Max wasteland that Brighton will become, then we won't need them any more. I could rent them out to be paintball arenas or for some deranged sex festivals or perhaps even as prisons for foreign countries (I don't know, they commit crimes somewhere else and then come over here so we make money out of them, what's the country coming to?). I'd keep some of the money, natch, but I'd let the Government and the populace have some, because I'm nice like that. After all, people need some readies to be able to buy accouterments that befit a peerage. But seriously, I love the idea of "Brighton" being a deterrent for crime. It would be like in Judge Dredd when someone gets exiled from the Megacity into a crimey wilderness. I'm telling you- crime would go right down.



 

Can't break the law, apparently

I'd also own the courts and the police and this would mean I could be utterly corrupt. I could go over to Hugh Dallas's house and take every property of his and have the entire constabulary of Lanarkshire pop over to protect me as I did it. Again, this is reminiscent of Judge Dredd: "I cannot break the law, I AM the law!" And I couldn't be sued. I wouldn't murder Hugh Dallas though I could get away with it, I don't believe in killing unlike him murdering Norway vs Slovenia in 2000. I would go around saying lots of litigious things. Actually, they would technically be slander because I couldn't be sued! So if I was the Queen I would... D'you remember that media furore over those people who had superinjunctions? We found out that Ryan Giggs, Jeremy Clarkson, and Andrew Marr were three of them and then we sort of lost interest. If I was the Queen, I'd slander Hugh Bonneville and say he paid £195 to a prostitute to use a sex toy on him. You know, because he wouldn't be able to sue IF it wasn't true. Which it isn't. There is literally no reason why I've been so specific about the £195. In fact, let's make it more specific, again for no reason. Let's call the hypothetical prostitute Helen Wood.


 

Ooh. The research for this article seems to indicate that I can send letters for free because they'd be sent with the Royal Cypher- presumably all mail sorting offices around the country have a Royal Enigma machine. A shit history joke for you there... Hmm.

Now we move onto the meaty stuff. I'd have control of the armed forces, which have been made a teensy bit smaller over the years (see picture below right). That's a little unfortunate seeing as we're asking (telling) them to participate in more conflicts than ever. So I'd beef them up with all the new revenue streams coming in and then I'd invade the bit of the Antarctic that the Argentinians declare sovereignty over.

This is a trend that will be reversed when I am monarch.

I'm sure the irony would warm the cockles of the army and navy's hearts as their extremities dropped off from frostbite. But hey, I'd just buy them new ones. I'd also invade San Marino. I wouldn't kill anyone, because, you know, benevolent monarch and all that, but it'd be nice to have a war that we can win quite easily. Britain actually holds the world record for war won most quickly, which is probably because Zanzibar are the holders of war lost most quickly. For some reason we gave them an ultimatum about them not having the right puppet governance and they were all like "Fuck off, you can't boss us about with your gunboat diplomacy. Oh, you're actually shelling us to buggery with your gunboats. Despite my words not being particularly palatable, I shall have to eat them." If you don't want to know the result, look away now... Thirty eight minutes later, Zanzibar had 500+ dead and Britain? Well, Britain had one Petty Officer who made a full recovery. If this war were a compilation album, it would be called Now That's What I Call a Drubbing. But it's alright to trivialise all of this nastiness because it didn't happen in living memory, true story. ANYWAY. I would invade San Marino as revenge for them scoring the fastest goal against England. 8.3 seconds? That's embarrassing, considering it's the fastest goal EVER in World Cup competition, and this from a country who have a population smaller than that of Colchester. Also, it would be nice to win a war without there being any unpleasantness afterwards, and with the good old-fashioned motive of just wanting more land, rather than this new-fangled oil contract business. I know I've seen something about the fact that their national orchestra is bigger than their armed forces, but there's nothing on the interwebs about it so I shall have to offer you this titbit instead- THEIR ARMY'S EQUIVALENT OF A TANK IS A FIAT PUNTO. We would steamroller the bastards. Though it might hurt our chances in the Eurovision song contest... 


 

You and what army?

Ah. Serious point now. I would sell off/dismantle our nuclear deterrent because we can't physically fire them off without American say so, and they've already got enough missiles to blow up the world several hundred times, so they can do all that. It would be nice if the Soviet Union or whoever "the enemy" is nowadays noticed that we weren't a threat and didn't nuke us. I could do all that scrapping because I own the military and they swear an oath to me. Also, the cost of the fucking things! If we scrapped them, by 2065 we'd have saved £83,000,000,000, and I could spend that all on my crack habit reinvest it in the country. Yes.

And the national anthem? Yeah, it's a bit dreary, it's not cheerful like the Italian one. It's short too- when we win things and the national anthem is played for our victorious sportspeople, it's over too fast. I reckon I'd buy the rights to the back catalogue of Foreigner and have a lottery machine (complete with independent adjudicator, OFC) that dispenses balls for Cold as Ice, Urgent, Hot Blooded, I Want to Know What Love Is, and Waiting for A Girl Like You. Whichever ball comes out will be our national anthem for the week. This might actually be the best idea I've ever had, and I've thought to combine Chili con Carne and Shepherd's Pie- I call it chili beef mash goodness (you come up with a better name, then). Seriously, if you take anything away from this article, let it be random national anthem cheesy 80's songs idea.

Yes. So that's what I'd do if I were the Queen, which is why I probably shouldn't be. So when it comes to the Queen elections, don't vote for me, or however it's done nowadays. Actually, do vote for me, because I've just thought of the alternative. At some point that big eared idiot is going to be King, and his stupid face will be on our money and on our stamps and everyone will leave the Commonwealth and everyone will rip it out of us and quite rightly. Nightmare. Mm. So yeah. Vote me, because Charles is a useless shower of shite. God save the Queen!

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