Well now. When last I wrote the entire male populace of the two cities of Sodom and Gomorrah had spontaneously shown up outside Lot's door. They made their reason for their appearance clear as they politely asked him if he could turf the angels out so they could bugger them most gregariously. Lot, being respectful of the angels and having apparently not been to any parenting classes offered his virgin daughters to the baying mob instead... Their feelings on the matter were sadly not recorded for posterity. Anyway, it seems as if the mob reasoned that an angel's arsehole was tighter than a virgin's snatch (warning, may not be exact quote), and told Lot that they were going to visit an even worse megabuggery upon him for trying to protect the angels. The sex mad fiends tried to force the door like in a zombie film, but unlike a zombie film they were struck down with blindness from the angels "so that they could not find the door", because apparently using their hands to find it was cheating or something. More plot holes. Anyway, during this respite, the angels told Lot and his wife and daughters (who are so important that their names are recorded as Lot's wife and his two daughters) the bad news. "Okay, basically God's going to destroy this place because he doesn't like the rainbow movement. Now you'll be strolling away at a good pace when this is happening, and it's going to be spectacular. I mean, imagine Independence Day crossed with a Michael Bay film covered with napalm times A MILLION. It is going to be INCREDIBLE. But don't look at it. I mean, it will be the most wonderful spectacle that man will ever see, but you mustn't turn around. Even though it's going to look amazing."
I stressed previously that the most important thing is God knows what's going to happen here, which is why we should examine the fallout particularly closely. So Lot and his nameless female relatives got a jog on, and the orbital bombardment from God began, which indeed sounded like Independence Day crossed with a Michael Bay film covered with napalm times a million. "Oh my God, I'm melting!!!" screamed a Sodomite. "This is fucking awful!!! But you have to admit, it looks REALLY cool..." Well that was too much for Lot's wife. She turned around despite God's agents warning her not to and so he turned her into a pillar of salt, because, shit, why not? Whenever I see someone push into a queue or buy a Skrillex album the first form of retribution that comes into my head is turning them into a pillar of salt. No foolsies, it really is. So Lot presumably noticed his wife was making fewer bon mots than usual but plodded on regardless. The last thing Lot heard of God's voice on the wind was-: "Die you scum! And I'm going to destroy your crops as well so that anyone else who wants to settle here can't use your farming infrastructure and catch AIDS! LOL"
Again, bear in mind that these people have been especially picked out by God as people who deserve mercy for their good character. One of them is already dead, as if God had said "Imma save your life... PSYCHE!" Let's forward to a point where Lot and his daughters are holed up in a cave. The older one points out to the younger one that the only men on the market are a bit melty now, and we should have kids because that's what everyone does. "So... We could always get our dad drunk on wine and fuck him so he gets us pregnant?..." "...I'm sorry, what?" "Get him drunk so he won't recognise us and we'll fuck him." "What, we'll get him so drunk that he doesn't recognise his own daughters? So drunk that he will assume that we are someone else, despite him knowing there aren't any people for hundreds of miles? Do you think we could him that drunk and that he'd still be capable of maintaining an erection?" Yeah." "Where did we get all of this wine from, anyway?" "What?" "Well doesn't it seem a bit suspicious? I mean, God told us to get the fuck out of Dodge and we grabbed our most precious possessions... Our most precious possession was wine? And I doubt that we could carry enough of that to get our father pissed with." "Perhaps we have entered a wine cave?" "A wine cave? Behave!" Needless to say, the bible does NOT record where the daughters got this copious amount of wine from. It does however record that they fucked him and he did not know who they were (bullshit) and that they both had kids. I assume that he found out somewhere down the line who the father was, but again, the bible does not record it. So ends the tale of Sodom and Gomorrah. So God saved Lot's wife only to end her five minutes later and then Lot and his daughters entered into some sick incestuous relationship with his two daughters. I think it was worth saving them from that bit of mass-murder, though. If God has taught us anything it's that we should turn a blind eye to incest whilst we should punish homosexuality by genocide.
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