But I managed to avoid being ended by wannabe albatrosses. One thing that was ended recently was C's PS3. He invited me around on Sunday, only to find out that his Playstation had developed a terminal condition known in the medical world as the YLOD (or yellow light of death in layman's terms). This is where the machine switches on with its green light indicating fucntionality resplendently and then changes its mind in an actually-I'd-rather-not-do-what-I'm-supposed-to-do-if-it's-all-the-same-to-you manner. So we made the 20 mile round trip to get another one. Alas, this was not as simple as it should have been, as C's bank card had been blocked by Barclays because C had the temerity to buy items from outside the U.K. Apparently that sets off the red light at Barclays HQ, the one that signifies that A TERRORIST MUST HAVE TAKEN OVER THIS ACCOUNT. Either that or they're rather xenophobic. Anyroad, C managed to swear enough to get them to unblock his account, he bought a new PS3 and back we trotted to his. It was only a couple of minutes after the new PS3 had been switched on that it too suffered the YLOD. The odds against this happening were somewhat slim. The odds against C's reaction were not.
Tuesday, 13 November 2012
In Which I Abhor Swan Lake
On Saturday, I went out with D for a few lunchtime
drinkies. Nothing too much interesting there, the usual conversation-
D telling me how he was struggling to overcome his Mini Cheddar
addiction, me telling him my plans for when I become king of the
world. However, we'd decided to meet each other en route at a super
sexy secret location, and, as ever, he was an ickle bit late. I stood
by the boating lake where about 30 swans were, well, swanning about.
As soon as I sat down on an adjacent bench, approximately 30 swans
stopped swanning about and headed towards me. Now I haven't read the
book “The Birds” or seen the film either, but I think I can
safely say that a swarm of swans bearing down on you is more
terrifying than a bunch of seagulls or crows. When D came along, he
saw me running away from them with a tell-tale trickle of wee-wee
following my footsteps. “Scared of the birds?” “Yes I fucking
am! Those things want my flesh!” “No they don't, they just want a
bit of bread. “Do I look like a fucking baguette? That's not hunger
in their beady little eyes, it's murder.
But I managed to avoid being ended by wannabe albatrosses. One thing that was ended recently was C's PS3. He invited me around on Sunday, only to find out that his Playstation had developed a terminal condition known in the medical world as the YLOD (or yellow light of death in layman's terms). This is where the machine switches on with its green light indicating fucntionality resplendently and then changes its mind in an actually-I'd-rather-not-do-what-I'm-supposed-to-do-if-it's-all-the-same-to-you manner. So we made the 20 mile round trip to get another one. Alas, this was not as simple as it should have been, as C's bank card had been blocked by Barclays because C had the temerity to buy items from outside the U.K. Apparently that sets off the red light at Barclays HQ, the one that signifies that A TERRORIST MUST HAVE TAKEN OVER THIS ACCOUNT. Either that or they're rather xenophobic. Anyroad, C managed to swear enough to get them to unblock his account, he bought a new PS3 and back we trotted to his. It was only a couple of minutes after the new PS3 had been switched on that it too suffered the YLOD. The odds against this happening were somewhat slim. The odds against C's reaction were not.
But I managed to avoid being ended by wannabe albatrosses. One thing that was ended recently was C's PS3. He invited me around on Sunday, only to find out that his Playstation had developed a terminal condition known in the medical world as the YLOD (or yellow light of death in layman's terms). This is where the machine switches on with its green light indicating fucntionality resplendently and then changes its mind in an actually-I'd-rather-not-do-what-I'm-supposed-to-do-if-it's-all-the-same-to-you manner. So we made the 20 mile round trip to get another one. Alas, this was not as simple as it should have been, as C's bank card had been blocked by Barclays because C had the temerity to buy items from outside the U.K. Apparently that sets off the red light at Barclays HQ, the one that signifies that A TERRORIST MUST HAVE TAKEN OVER THIS ACCOUNT. Either that or they're rather xenophobic. Anyroad, C managed to swear enough to get them to unblock his account, he bought a new PS3 and back we trotted to his. It was only a couple of minutes after the new PS3 had been switched on that it too suffered the YLOD. The odds against this happening were somewhat slim. The odds against C's reaction were not.
Saturday, 10 November 2012
In Which I Question the Methods of a Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual Rights Charity
I saw a double decker yesterday with an advertisement on
emblazoned on, saying "Some people are gay. Get over it."
When I say double decker I mean the bus, not the chocolate bar. I
think inviting bigots to stop being arses is a little too
socio-political for the advertising bods of Cadbury. But whilst I
agree with the sentiment of this (people are dicks), I disagree with
putting it on a bus. Think about it, it's a bit inflammatory isn't
it? Let's say that someone is angry/upset about something, like a
death in the family or Hugh Dallas giving every single decision
against your team unfairly. I don't think the best way to console
them is to go up to them and tell them to "get over it".
This would surely only make them more angry/upset. I actually
remember when D (nickname "The Bitch") split up with D, and
he was heartbroken. She had cheated on him with M, which was doubly
soul-destroying as he was an ugg with no neck. Anyway, once when he
was looking sad, sitting on the concourse, she went up to him and
aggressively said "For fuck's sake D, get over it!" The
rest of us took a vote and the motion that she was an utter cunt was
unanimously carried. So yes. Don't tell people to get over things.
It's not productive.
And who are these adverts trying to convince? I know there are gay people, but I can't get over it as there is nothing for me to get over. This campaign isn't really useful for those that don't have a problem with homosexuality. And what of the bigots? I know they don't tend to be the most intelligent of people, but I doubt this will affect their opinions. "What's that? People are gay? And I should go from disapproval to acceptance because I saw an ad on a bus? Okay then..." I mean, really. This is worse than not being productive, it's inflammatory, needling for needlings sake. A bit like football fans when they sing one of their many chants like "Look at us, we're in the lead and you are not and you smell of wee-wee." Actually, whilst researching for this blog, I found that this had actually encouraged some people who aren't particularly keen on those who are attracted to the same, erm, genital hoop, to set up a counter campaign. Their adverts were due to say: "Not gay! Post-gay, ex-gay and proud. Get over it!" Fortunately, Boris Jonson poured water on this flame war before it could ignite and prevented these from ever seeing the light of day. He justified this arguable breach of freedom of expression by pointing out that people who think that you can "undo" being gay, and that being gay is a problem to be solved, are fuckheads.
Still, I suppose I'm not the right person to tell Stonewall, the company responsible for Some People Are Gay campaign, how to spend their funds. Actually, they're superb at spending their cash. I don't mean they spend it on good things, rather that they're very good at funspunking money away at a rapid rate. Here's a quote from their website:
"After the launch, 600 billboard panels, kindly donated by Titan Outdoor Advertising Ltd, depicted this legend in giant, tabloid-style capital letters, on a bright red background at sights in England, Scotland and Wales. In September 2009 the simple, striking poster campaign appeared on 20 major railway stations advertising screens and on 3,500 interior bus panels in November 2009 for Anti-Bullying week."
And seeing as it's 2012 and they're STILL about, it means there are one or two stubborn bastards in the organisation who refuse to see sense (and are STILL funspunking money). Like I say, I suppose I'm not the right person to tell Stonewall how to spend their money, but if I were, I would say this... Wouldn't it be a bit more productive to spend the money on something like a banner saying "Gay? Getting picked on by bigots? Here's a dedicated advice line."
Today's Tune
 |
| Some ads are counter-productive. Get over it. |
And who are these adverts trying to convince? I know there are gay people, but I can't get over it as there is nothing for me to get over. This campaign isn't really useful for those that don't have a problem with homosexuality. And what of the bigots? I know they don't tend to be the most intelligent of people, but I doubt this will affect their opinions. "What's that? People are gay? And I should go from disapproval to acceptance because I saw an ad on a bus? Okay then..." I mean, really. This is worse than not being productive, it's inflammatory, needling for needlings sake. A bit like football fans when they sing one of their many chants like "Look at us, we're in the lead and you are not and you smell of wee-wee." Actually, whilst researching for this blog, I found that this had actually encouraged some people who aren't particularly keen on those who are attracted to the same, erm, genital hoop, to set up a counter campaign. Their adverts were due to say: "Not gay! Post-gay, ex-gay and proud. Get over it!" Fortunately, Boris Jonson poured water on this flame war before it could ignite and prevented these from ever seeing the light of day. He justified this arguable breach of freedom of expression by pointing out that people who think that you can "undo" being gay, and that being gay is a problem to be solved, are fuckheads.
Still, I suppose I'm not the right person to tell Stonewall, the company responsible for Some People Are Gay campaign, how to spend their funds. Actually, they're superb at spending their cash. I don't mean they spend it on good things, rather that they're very good at funspunking money away at a rapid rate. Here's a quote from their website:
"After the launch, 600 billboard panels, kindly donated by Titan Outdoor Advertising Ltd, depicted this legend in giant, tabloid-style capital letters, on a bright red background at sights in England, Scotland and Wales. In September 2009 the simple, striking poster campaign appeared on 20 major railway stations advertising screens and on 3,500 interior bus panels in November 2009 for Anti-Bullying week."
And seeing as it's 2012 and they're STILL about, it means there are one or two stubborn bastards in the organisation who refuse to see sense (and are STILL funspunking money). Like I say, I suppose I'm not the right person to tell Stonewall how to spend their money, but if I were, I would say this... Wouldn't it be a bit more productive to spend the money on something like a banner saying "Gay? Getting picked on by bigots? Here's a dedicated advice line."
Today's Tune
Friday, 9 November 2012
In Which I Fail to Impart Interesting Titbits
Right. Just a note for today. Did you know that Stanley Kubrick wanted Pink Floyd to do the soundtrack to A Clockwork Orange? He also wanted the rights to edit the music how he pleased, so they told him to jog on. Here's how the beginning of the film ended up after Pink Floyd's refusal, and here's how it could have ended up, had they come to an agreement.
Also, did you know what the BBC decided to do when broadcasting the most momentous event in humankind's history- the Apollo 11 mission to land on the moon? They decided to bung Pink Floyd into a studio and have them make up some music as they went along. I love this. There are a bunch of scientists watching the proceedings on a big screen, occasionally saying what they think is going on, then next to them are Pink Floyd, playing live to millions of British viewers as they watch Buzz and Neilon a soundstage in Los Angeles in the Sea of Tranquillity. I have been listening to more than a bit of Pink Floyd lately. They're cool.
Today's Tune
Also, did you know what the BBC decided to do when broadcasting the most momentous event in humankind's history- the Apollo 11 mission to land on the moon? They decided to bung Pink Floyd into a studio and have them make up some music as they went along. I love this. There are a bunch of scientists watching the proceedings on a big screen, occasionally saying what they think is going on, then next to them are Pink Floyd, playing live to millions of British viewers as they watch Buzz and Neil
Today's Tune
Thursday, 8 November 2012
In Which I Meet a Dictionary Definition of Brusque
So yesterday I had a chat with my gut Doctor. I asked him whether they'd had my results all along and simply lied to me. Or I would have done if I could have gotten a word in edgeways.
Dr Bastard: Right, here are your results. The gut digging and cutting came back with nothing.
Me: So I don't-
Dr Bastard: Based on your symptoms, you maybe are intolerant to gluten.
Me: Maybe? But what about the-
Dr Bastard: The reaction your blood had with the antibodies in the other test mean nothing.
*Those were his actual words. Considering that it was the results of those which necessitated a gastroscopy, this seems like horseshit.*
Me: So w-
Dr Bastard: Seeing as you maybe have Coeliac's I will maybe refer you to a dietician. Now fuck off, I've got other inconveniences to see.
Me: Look! I'm going to get at least one sentence in edgeways, Dr Bastard!
Dr Bastard: My name's not Dr Bastard!
Me: I know, but otherwise, in the unlikely event you read this blog, you might sue me for being completely and utterly accurate. So. Could my epilepsy have anything to do with the symptoms that you say could maybe be gluten intolerance? Could it be that my epilepsy is responsible for those symptoms?
Dr Bastard: I dunno, what d'you think I am, a doctor? Now off you fuck.
Seeing as I may or may not have Coeliac's disease, I think I will have to find out. What I am going to do is eat pasta and cake and shredded wheat and pork pies and sausages and... Basically, it will either be a last hurrah or a surprise confirmation that for the last few months I have been avoiding bagels for no good reason.
Today's Tune
Dr Bastard: Right, here are your results. The gut digging and cutting came back with nothing.
Me: So I don't-
Dr Bastard: Based on your symptoms, you maybe are intolerant to gluten.
Me: Maybe? But what about the-
Dr Bastard: The reaction your blood had with the antibodies in the other test mean nothing.
*Those were his actual words. Considering that it was the results of those which necessitated a gastroscopy, this seems like horseshit.*
Me: So w-
Dr Bastard: Seeing as you maybe have Coeliac's I will maybe refer you to a dietician. Now fuck off, I've got other inconveniences to see.
Me: Look! I'm going to get at least one sentence in edgeways, Dr Bastard!
Dr Bastard: My name's not Dr Bastard!
Me: I know, but otherwise, in the unlikely event you read this blog, you might sue me for being completely and utterly accurate. So. Could my epilepsy have anything to do with the symptoms that you say could maybe be gluten intolerance? Could it be that my epilepsy is responsible for those symptoms?
Dr Bastard: I dunno, what d'you think I am, a doctor? Now off you fuck.
Seeing as I may or may not have Coeliac's disease, I think I will have to find out. What I am going to do is eat pasta and cake and shredded wheat and pork pies and sausages and... Basically, it will either be a last hurrah or a surprise confirmation that for the last few months I have been avoiding bagels for no good reason.
Today's Tune
Wednesday, 7 November 2012
In Which I Congratulate President Obama Without Gritted Teeth
A historic vote yesterday. With a record turnout, and a barrage of polls being unable to separate the two sides beforehand, the people finally decided. With a majority larger than predicted, the states of Colorado and Washington voted to legalise the sale of marijuana. That's right, completely legal, none of this having to pretend you've got sciatica or gout for the people of CL and WN to get a Turkish cigarette or two. Also President Obama got elected for a second term. This is despite American peep show style voting booths doing their damndest to change votes for a black guy into votes for a white guy.
Some of the voters were queuing for hours and hours, and some of them in pretty nippy conditions. It can get a wee bit nippy Chicago way in November time. We can learn several things from all of this- firstly, the American who wants to vote is determined to do so, regardless of weather and how much time it may take. I am not sure if I could say the same about the British voter. That is neither here nor there, however, as that sort of scenario wouldn't happen to a British voter. It would be highly unusual over here for voters to be queing for ages, and even more unusual if they were doing it in sleet, as we tend to have our general elections at a more sensible time of year. But the Americans HAVE to have theirs in November, and the reason is this: __________________________.
Find me a country that wanted Romney to win over Obama and I will be quite surprised. I know that the political figures of the world would compliment whoever won and say they were the best candidate, but one gets the feeling that if Romney had won, they'd have had to congratulate him through gritted teeth. I myself didn't have a chuckle at the Republicans crying (literally) at the result, because I am not human. By the way, that's a bit of a lie, I laughed long and hard, due to having a beating heart. I've never cared for the Republicans. Any political party who has put forward a candidate for Senator that says things like "I think even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen," is more than a little suspect. So I always knew that President Obama would win, and anyone who says that I binned a cake with "Fuck you President Romney" iced onto it is a damned liar.
Today's Tune
Some of the voters were queuing for hours and hours, and some of them in pretty nippy conditions. It can get a wee bit nippy Chicago way in November time. We can learn several things from all of this- firstly, the American who wants to vote is determined to do so, regardless of weather and how much time it may take. I am not sure if I could say the same about the British voter. That is neither here nor there, however, as that sort of scenario wouldn't happen to a British voter. It would be highly unusual over here for voters to be queing for ages, and even more unusual if they were doing it in sleet, as we tend to have our general elections at a more sensible time of year. But the Americans HAVE to have theirs in November, and the reason is this: __________________________.
Find me a country that wanted Romney to win over Obama and I will be quite surprised. I know that the political figures of the world would compliment whoever won and say they were the best candidate, but one gets the feeling that if Romney had won, they'd have had to congratulate him through gritted teeth. I myself didn't have a chuckle at the Republicans crying (literally) at the result, because I am not human. By the way, that's a bit of a lie, I laughed long and hard, due to having a beating heart. I've never cared for the Republicans. Any political party who has put forward a candidate for Senator that says things like "I think even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen," is more than a little suspect. So I always knew that President Obama would win, and anyone who says that I binned a cake with "Fuck you President Romney" iced onto it is a damned liar.
Today's Tune
Sunday, 4 November 2012
In Which I Predict the Future
The Billy Ocean campaign was aborted before it began- I realised I have a lot of Pink Floyd albums I still have to get through as a result of losing a bet with Dave Gilmour.
On Wednesday I have an appointment with the gastroenterologist to discuss the results of putting what felt like a JCB down my digestive tract. The conversation may well go something like this:
Me: Hullo, have I got Coeliac's Disease, then?
Gastroenterologist: We don't know, the results are still pending.
Me: So what the fuck am I doing here at the hospital?
Gastroenterologist: Well, I thought you were good company, so-
Me: Hang on a second, hold the fucking phone here, chum. I had my endoscopy on the seventeenth of September.
Gastroenterologist: Right.
Me: And I was promised my results within 14 days.
Gastroenterologist: Mm.
Me: And it's been 51 days and still nothing.
Gastroenterologist: Yup.
Me: And for me to be referred to a dietitian so I can get gluten free prescription stuff, I need you to look at my results.
Gastroenterologist: Ahuh.
Me: Which you don't have.
Gastroenterologist: That's right.
Me: Any idea WHEN you'll have them?
Gastroenterologist: Impossible to say.
Me: Well, it didn't seem so impossible to say 51 days ago.
Gastroenterologist: Ah, but that was the standard it'll take a couple of weeks answer. Once it takes longer than 14 days, your guess is as good as mine.
Me: I'm not entirely heartened by a doctor telling me that his guess is as good as mine. You didn't go to medical school for years to become as good/bad as me at guessing, did you?
Gastroenterologist: ...
Me: Is there any particular reason why you haven't got my results? Is there any particular reason why you haven't cancelled this appointment which is pointless for the both of us seeing as its sole purpose is for us to discuss the test results, results which you don't have?
Gastroenterologist: Because we hate you and we think you're a prick?
I went down to the surgery the other day and asked them if they had the results in- sometimes the results go to the GP and they don't tell you because it amuses them. However, they said that the results were pending, and as for when I'd get them, "your guess is as good as mine." But I remain hopeful that my results might rear their ugly head within the next three days. The clock is ticking.
Today's Tune
On Wednesday I have an appointment with the gastroenterologist to discuss the results of putting what felt like a JCB down my digestive tract. The conversation may well go something like this:
Me: Hullo, have I got Coeliac's Disease, then?
Gastroenterologist: We don't know, the results are still pending.
Me: So what the fuck am I doing here at the hospital?
Gastroenterologist: Well, I thought you were good company, so-
Me: Hang on a second, hold the fucking phone here, chum. I had my endoscopy on the seventeenth of September.
Gastroenterologist: Right.
Me: And I was promised my results within 14 days.
Gastroenterologist: Mm.
Me: And it's been 51 days and still nothing.
Gastroenterologist: Yup.
Me: And for me to be referred to a dietitian so I can get gluten free prescription stuff, I need you to look at my results.
Gastroenterologist: Ahuh.
Me: Which you don't have.
Gastroenterologist: That's right.
Me: Any idea WHEN you'll have them?
Gastroenterologist: Impossible to say.
Me: Well, it didn't seem so impossible to say 51 days ago.
Gastroenterologist: Ah, but that was the standard it'll take a couple of weeks answer. Once it takes longer than 14 days, your guess is as good as mine.
Me: I'm not entirely heartened by a doctor telling me that his guess is as good as mine. You didn't go to medical school for years to become as good/bad as me at guessing, did you?
Gastroenterologist: ...
Me: Is there any particular reason why you haven't got my results? Is there any particular reason why you haven't cancelled this appointment which is pointless for the both of us seeing as its sole purpose is for us to discuss the test results, results which you don't have?
Gastroenterologist: Because we hate you and we think you're a prick?
I went down to the surgery the other day and asked them if they had the results in- sometimes the results go to the GP and they don't tell you because it amuses them. However, they said that the results were pending, and as for when I'd get them, "your guess is as good as mine." But I remain hopeful that my results might rear their ugly head within the next three days. The clock is ticking.
Today's Tune
Friday, 2 November 2012
In Which I Make My Excuses
I have very little to say except I won't be blogging much over the next week. I have also decided I need to listen to the entire back catalogue of Billy Ocean- the two might not be entirely unconnected. Mm, so I heard a song by him, and I thought, d'you know, I love every Billy Ocean song I've ever heard and it would make sense if I listened to every studio album that he's ever done. In fact, if I could be great at singing one artist at karaoke, it'd be him as his music is just so damn happy. But I can't. Annoyingly, R can do it beautifully, and even more annoyingly, he refuses to. And now he's in Canada. What an arse.
Today's Tune
Today's Tune
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