In Which I Note that the Americans Aren't Very Grateful

Oscar Wilde said it best when he was describing the difference between the British and our transatlantic cousins: "The Americans are identical to the British in all respects except, of course, they're all mad fat bastards." I might be paraphrasing slightly there, I don't remember the exact quote. But they ARE a bit different from us, aren't they? So let's look at the differences. The Americans have shorter memories than us, which is why they keep on forgetting that there are many pubs over here older than their country. I hope this is an apocryphal tale, but I heard that an American couple went to see some 15th century castle in England, and they were very impressed with everything. They had only one question- how did we manage to get everything to look so old?

How did you get him to look so senile?

Americans also show their amnesia when it comes to foreign policy. What you may not know about the War of Independence is that it was the French who won it for the Americans. We spent about £80,000,000 on the war, which today comes in at around £10,757,101,449. The French put in 70% of that for the Americans and sent troops to fight for them, and the Americans' financial contribution? They had a whip round and put a few dollars together. Nevertheless, the French prevailed and did the United States the most concrete of solids. So how did the fledgling United States reward the French who had won their war for them? Why, she made Britain her main trading partner and told the French to go fuck themselves, leaving France bankrupt. Very bad short term memories, or total bastards. You decide.

And what about their long term memories? The Americans' betrayal of France created a broken state. Bonaparte took advantage of this and hilarity ensued, by which I mean 5 million Europeans were killed, a third of them French. France got past this, though, and tried so hard to make friends with Americans, so they had a church raffle and a bake sale or two to pay for the Statue of Liberty. Credit where credit's due, they did a nice job. However, many years down the line, France made the crucial mistake of refusing America's kind invitation to make war on a country simply for the fact that there was no reason to. And how did the Americans show their displeasure? By rebranding French Fries as Freedom Fries. 

Never mind that to the rest of the world this would look like a petty action. Never mind that associating the word freedom with a thinly sliced deep fried potato cheapens it somewhat. The Americans had to show their displeasure to the French by taking the French out of French Fries. Also, they decided to chuck champagne and other French wines down the drain. This is another difference between us and the Americans. They are exceptionally wasteful. Now I don't know about you, but even if I was pissed off at the French, I would happily drink my cellars dry of their alcohol. I mean, the stuff's already bought, the French vineyard owners who of course single-handedly prevented the U.N from permitting this war won't get any richer if you drink the plonk you've already bought from them. Actually, the Americans have form for this. In Boston, they had a load of tea on a ship that they refused to buy because they'd have to pay an ickle bit of tax on it. They took a measured response and bowled on board and chucked the stuff in the sea. What a bunch of idiots. You could have drunk that! Even if you don't like the stuff you could flog it on the black market. If there's demand but no supply then you could clean up, especially if your operating costs are zero because you nicked it. I mean, for God's sake, that would be like a rioter going into Currys and smashing a telly instead of nabbing it. However, I in no way endorse stealing. Unless it's in 18th century Massachusetts.

Here endeth the lesson. Another one on the same topic tomorrow, I fancy. 

Today's Tune