In Which I Salute American Creativity

Let's see, I believe the United States and I had some unfinished business... In the blog before last, I was pointing out some of the ways Americans differ from the British. Right. So Americans are fat. On the surface of it, this isn't a huge difference, we're a nation that's quite on the porky side.  Also, you might think saying Americans are fat might be a bit of an unfair generalisation. After all, it's only 37% of them who are classed as overweight. But if you take into account that on top of the overweight people, there are a seperate proportion of 26% who are actually obese. That's 63% who are overweight or obese- almost two thirds. So what would the solution to this gargantuan problem be? You might say more exercise, but it can be quite hard to walk to the shops in America. Not because of any ghastly heat or blizzard conditions, but because there aren't very many pavements in the States. "Right, then", thinks Congress. "The nation is getting a wee bit on the hefferlump side. We'd better concentrate on getting the kids thinner as their parents are too far gone. So. We need young Americans to be eating more healthy food, more fruits, more vegetables." Admirable sentiments. So the U.S government went and legislated that more vegetables were to be compulsorily served at school cafeterias. Well... Not quite. What they did, and I have to give them credit because I might not have had the creativity to think of this, is reclassify pizza as a vegetable. Again, I might be unfairly misleading you there. What they did is reclassify the teaspoons of tomato purée that are thinly spread across a slice of school pizza as one and a half servings of vegetable. Now, there are several things wrong with this. The first one is that tomato is a fruit, not a vegetable. The second one is that a blob tomato purée does not a fruit or vegetable make. Tomato puree is not tomatoes- if you want to get the benefit of fruit, eat fruit, not reconstituted fruit. And there's hardly any tomato purée on top in the first place.

"With roughly two to three tablespoons of sauce on each serving of pizza, that’s about 2 teaspoons of actual tomato paste in each serving."

The final thing that I can think is wrong with this approach is that you can't just add fruit or veg to something and expect it to become healthy. One does not get thin from eating Black Forest Gâteau despite it coming with cherries, one may as well eat raw carrots using lard as a dip. Then again, I suppose Congress could make the rest of the pizza healthy by reclassifying cheese and complex carbohydrates as vitamins C and D. If one slice of pizza equates to one and a half portions of vegetables (fruit!), then you can almost get your recommended five a day by eating three slices of pizza! Hurray! The problem is, there will be Americans that think that- most likely fat ones.

Bubba, why ain't I losing weight?

And whilst we're talking about American schools, what's all this pledge of allegiance stuff? Here's a thing about Americans. They're quite different in that they love their flags. Sure, we might wave the Union Flag about at the Olympics or the Last Night of the Proms like a rabid dog would wave someone's limb about, but to Americans, their flag is getting on for sacred.There's a law in the States that says you can't leave a flag out overnight unlit because the Spetsnaz'll come over from the Soviet Union, create a mouth with the flag and then fuck it. I think they call doing that Old Glory hole or something. Anyway, love their flag. Which is why all the pupils in the schools gather together and recite this:

"I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

Oh dear. Well, nice sentiments I suppose, apart from the God bit. I could be accused of hypocrisy here, what with God Save the Queen being our national anthem, but there'd be very few of us who'd actually believe that if the Queen were being held hostage by the Spetsnaz (they get about, those lads), that shit would get real and God would rescue her. So yes, the pledge of allegiance. Every day the kids have to recite that whilst saluting the flag by holding their right hand over their heart. I assume that's a salute, it might just be all of those "vegetables" they've been eating reacting with their cardiovascular system. Anyway, here's a translation of the oath that German civil servants had to swear to Hitler:

"I swear: I will be faithful and obedient to the leader of the German empire and people, Adolf Hitler, to observe the law, and to conscientiously fulfil my official duties, so help me God!"   

Seem a little familiar? No? Well, let me help you along a little. Here's a photo of American schoolchildren giving the flag the salute they used before the hand over heart one became fashionable:

My cholesterol level is this high.

Now I'm not saying that the Stars and Stripes is Adolf Hitler, but...



 *cough*



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